Unmasking the abuser | Dina McMillan | TEDxCanberra

Translator: Daniel Moore
Reviewer: Riaki Poništ I’ve been working in domestic violence
for twenty years now. As you can imagine, it’s a wonderful, terrible,
always challenging field. And I’ve always loved my work. But I almost quit, back in 2006. It wasn’t the job. I just felt like
we were on a hamster wheel, going around in a circle
with no real progress. I remember taking a walk by the water,
to clear my head and plan my next move. And then something happened. My brain kind of pops
and blended everything I knew and came up with something really amazing. Now, I should explain, first of all, I’m a little different
from the kind of person who usually works in the field. Sure, most of us are women,
but I’m also a social psychologist. And in social psychology,
we study influence and interaction. We look at the factors
that can change beliefs and behaviors, often without somebody
consciously noticing. So we examine methods
of persuasion, manipulation, coercion. You’ll see why this is important to – By 2006, I also had in-depth interviews with more than 2,500 victims. That’s not exceptional for someone
working in the field for a decade, but unlike my peers, I’d also had
in-depth confidential interviews with more than 630 abusers, interviews where they knew
I couldn’t tell on, so they were incredibly open with me. What also came into play that day
is that I’m very solution focused. It’s one of my favorite things when science discovers answers
to long-standing problems. So, what’s my amazing discovery? But what if I told you that most
domestic violence is preventable because most of domestic violence
relationships are avoidable. What if I told you that abusive relationships aren’t just
different after things get ugly? They’re different even
at the very beginning. And what if I told you teen girls and women can easily
learn the early warning signs in around two hours? So you can get out before you get trapped. And this solution is available now,
not in a decade or a generation. No more good intentions. Let’s go down a different road altogether. It doesn’t sound possible, does it? Most people don’t think
we can do anything about it. It all seems too big. The World Health Organization estimates the risk for women
worldwide at one in three. That’s 1.16 billion girls and women
experiencing physical or sexual assault from current or former romantic partner,
at least once in their lives. And that’s just physical abuse,
the easiest type to measure. We don’t have statistics
on emotional or psychological abuse, or coercive control even though these are the foundation
of all abusive relationships. Your life can be ruined by someone
who never put his hands on you in anger. Now, do you understand coercive control? It’s living under a suffocating system where someone else controls
every aspect of your life: what you do, say, eat, how you dress, where and how you live,
when you get an education or have a job, how do you spend your money, how many children you have,
and how you interact with them. Your relationships are monitored,
even with your own family, and you can’t have relationships at all unless the person controlling you
gives their permission. With no exaggeration,
it’s a type of slavery. Now, this may sound
like your definition of hell; it sounds like heaven to abusers. They put enormous effort
into gaining and maintaining this level of absolute control. It also allows them to mistreat
their partner at will without being punished or abandoned. And guess what? The risk of a woman getting stuck
in one of these relationships is the same now as in 1985. So the young girl with her mullet
hairdo bhopping long, listening to George Michael
on her Sony walkman, had the same risk of being abused
as a young woman now, watching Beyoncé videos
on her iPhone 6s Plus. So, what’s my new approach? It’s turning the usual domestic
violence paradigm on its head. It’s talking prevention,
not just response, and giving tools directly
to the people with the higher risk: teen girls and women. Now, we can do this
because my aha moment was recognizing: abusive relationships don’t just happen; abusers use tactics to get what they want; and these tactics form a pattern. Now, this pattern is visible.
So you can see it. It’s consistent. They use the same tactics in the same order
in each new relationship. And it’s universal. I heard the same stories
regardless of personal demographics. Best of all, I recognize these tactics. I knew why and how they worked
thanks to social psychology. Now, before we talk tactics,
I want to talk about abusers. We hear a lot about victims. We don’t hear much about the other side. And I should say a few things. First, I am not implying
that every man is a ticking time bomb. That is not fair to the good guys. Second, I estimate the percentage
of abusive men in mainstream culture at around 10%. Third, I still can’t reveal anything that would identify a specific person. The guys I met with knew this. They saw it as their chance
to be truly open and honest about what they thought and felt
without risking punishment. What they told me was disturbing and surprising and unlike anything
I’d heard in open forum. It’s why I call my program
“Unmasking the Abuser.” Now, relatively few of these men –
and more than 95% were men – were obviously the angry type
with no social skills. Those guys don’t hide, so you don’t need someone like me
to tell you how to avoid them. The majority seemed
perfectly normal, even charming, until they opened up. Then I could tell their drives went deep
with obvious psychological underpinnings. And here is a surprise. These guys knew their relationships
were twisted and dysfunctional and hugely unfair to their partners. Some would smile and say,
“Oh! I know I’m hard to live with,” then they told me a few nice things
they did for their partners as though that balanced it all out. Yet, they felt no guilt. What they felt was entitled
to a relationship that was all in their favor, where they could be hyper-controlling and cruel, and their partner
just had to accept it. Their partner was an object to them, one they felt they owned
fully and completely. Their partner’s right to be respected
and treated fairly only came up when they were lying to outsiders. They didn’t really feel any empathy,
compassion or accountability towards them. What they hated most
was people interfering. Now, the vast majority of these guys also wanted partners
who genuinely cared about them. They put real effort into getting
their version of a romantic relationship because they didn’t like being single. If one relationship ended,
they were quickly onto the next, or perhaps they ran more than
one relationship at the same time. Now, this could explain
how such a relatively low percentage of abusive men could create
such a high risk of abuse for women. Now, you may still be wondering why in the world
would these men confide in me. Because they could stop pretending,
at least for a little while. I could never tell on them, remember? And most were actually proud
of their ability to manipulate people, especially their victims
and law enforcement. They viewed it as simply
protecting their own interest. Of course, it was a whole different story
if the victim was in the room, or the abuser was in front
of someone in authority. Then they looked sorry,
and maybe the tears would flow. They’d swear, “I didn’t know
what happened!” they claimed, “Oh! I must overreacted
because of stress or job loss, or because I’m so in love. I’ll never do it again. I’ll change.” I had to stand by with a blank face and just watch an often
very convincing performance. Well, I’m not standing by anymore. Instead, I’m revealing
some key information abusers don’t want you to know. I’m exposing their secret tactics. Now, I can’t cover them all. But I can show you some
of the common and effective tactics used by abusers at the start
of every new relationship. These early tactics
are known as “grooming.” Do you know that term? Grooming is scripted behavior
with a purpose. It’s saying and doing things
to quickly lure someone in, inspiring their trust, intensifying
their emotional attachment, and increasing your control. All these tactics belong to a group
of influence techniques known as “psychological manipulation.” Psychological manipulation
is lying, deceiving, and performing in order to influence
how someone thinks, feels, and acts. It’s a powerhouse technique
designed to spread like wildfire through your subconscious
and unconscious mind and head straight for your emotions, all the while it’s distracting
your attention, so you either miss what’s happening,
or you underestimate its impact. Psychological manipulation is scary
because it’s not only effective; it works whether you recognize it or not,
agree to it or not, resist it or not. Your only protection and the only defense is to get away from the person
who is using them on you. Now, psychological manipulation works best if your mind views the person using it
as a legitimate authority over you. Even if he isn’t already in that position, the abuser will quickly gain authority
by making lots of decisions and getting you to agree. “Meet me at the coffee at 6.” “OK, you say.” “Let’s sit over here.” “OK, you say.” “Try this,” or “Don’t eat that.
It’s not good for you.” “OK, you say.” You let him decide because you want him to like you
and think you’re easygoing. But your brain adapts. In a short time, he’ll give orders,
and you’ll just obey. And he wants more: He needs you to trust him,
and plan a future with him, and fall in love with him. So he’s going to marathon you,
maximizing his contact. Anytime you’re together, he’s going to try
to talk you out of going home. When you’re apart, he’ll phone, text, IM,
or video call you late into the night. Now, part of what drives this
it’s the abusers tendency to fixate, but he may also know extended contact like this
creates artificial intimacy. You’ll quickly feel like you know
him well and for a long time. And you’ll trust him. Late at night, you’ll tell him things you provably wouldn’t do
in the call by the day, and your fatigue will make you
easier to influence. But as the ad says, “Wait! There’s more!” because even in the early days,
it’s not all hearts and flowers. The abuser wants everything done his way. He’ll be furious if you don’t share
his views or opinions on anything, or if you resist his control. At first, he’ll just try
to change your mind, but rage simmers underneath, and before long,
he won’t bother hiding it. He’ll try to lower your confidence
so you’re easier to manipulate. He’ll draw attention
to your every flaw or mistake. He’ll make comments,
or jokes that embarrass you, or make you feel self-conscious. He’ll do things that make you feel
dumb, or unattractive, or naive. If you start to pull away,
he’ll treat you like you’re special again, for a little while. Now, I call this combination
of nice and nasty the “push-pull.” Strangely enough, the push-pull forms a bond
that’s even stronger than if you were just
moderately nice the whole time. Now, I know a lot of women here
are probably like, “OK, quick.” Alright. If you want a shortcut
to ways to spot these guys, I want you to think: “Too much,”
“Too soon,” and “Transforming.” Here’s how they work. Too much: too many complements,
too many gifts, too much togetherness. Also, too many promises
and too much talk about the future. He goes from not in your life,
to all over your life in one fell swoop. Too soon: right away, he’ll call you
his girlfriend or his future wife, or he claims you saying,
“You’re mine now.” He makes big plans for the two of you,
and you don’t even know each other yet. Transforming: he immediately
starts trying to change you. He gives unsolicited advice or comments on your taste, beliefs,
career, personal style. “You know you’d look
so much better with longer hair.” Or constantly saying,
“You know what you need to do.” There’s something else
I need to share with you. I call it, “you and me against the world,” and here’s how it works. Number one: the secret. He’ll swear he’s revealing things
or doing things for you that are secret and special,
and he’s never done it before. Not true, but you’ll provably believe him. Then he’ll demand you share
your secrets with him. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re exhausted, so you give in. Remember, sharing your secrets
won’t just bond you to him. You’re giving him
the means to control you. Number two: joined at the hip. He may demand you go everywhere together. When you’re apart,
he’ll contact you constantly, and expect you to respond right away. He wants you focused on him, and prioritizing his needs
over everyone else, including yourself. Number three: isolation. Abuse thrives in isolation. And the hyper jealous abuser
wants you all to himself. So he’ll ruin your relationships
with everyone else. He’ll criticize your loved ones and get you start
questioning their motives. He’ll convince you that he’s the only one
that really gets you. Now, that’s not all,
but it’s a good start. Now you need to act on this knowledge. Easier said than done. A lot of women have a hard time saying no,
even if they can see clear warning signs. They don’t want to hurt his feelings,
or they don’t want him to dislike them, or perhaps they’re afraid of his anger. Friends and family can also be an issue, telling you, “Oh, you’re just too picky,” or, “Poor guy. He deserves
another chance.” And then there’s him. Abusers don’t believe
you’ve the right to refuse. You’re an object, remember? He will try every trick
in the book to stay in your life, from bribes to making you feel
like a bad person for turning him down. Usually, he just ignores your rejection
and continues to call, text, email, and show up at the venues
you’ve posted on social media. He knows if he can stick around,
eventually, you’ll provably come around. So you have to be strong. You have to build your confidence
so you can stand up to the pressure. Keep at the front of your mind that this person is ultimately
trying to ruin your life. Now, knowledge is power, and this knowledge
empowers and protects women. Every teen girl and woman should learn
the full range of tactics used by abusers, so should social educators
and community services and law enforcement. Back in 2006, I stood by the water
and I made a decision: I was not going to stand by anymore;
I was going to fight back. Now, I’m inviting you to join me. Let’s do something
that can finally reduce the number of teen girls an women
in abusive relationships. Thank you. (Applause)

100 thoughts on “Unmasking the abuser | Dina McMillan | TEDxCanberra

  1. I got much out of this talk; in our case, my love turned out to be very abusive to me. First, let me say, I don't like labels for people. Labels are for cans, boxes, envelopes, file folders, & other things. Next, people can abuse each other. By this I don't excuse anyone who abuses. I am in our case acknowledging at times I acted out in ways learned from my dysfunction background . Both my partner & I came from very dysfunctional families. Her mother not only physically abused her since childhood, but also emotionally abused her. My mother emotionally, physically, eventually abused me. Here, some may think or say that as a male who carries this resentment, why wouldn't I be the abuser? In our case, I was from the start, in the one groomed and abused. I kept myself in denial in part because I had fallen for the "little miss innocent" act. Lily (not her actual name) a highly intelligent woman, daughter of a father who earned good money in his life, and a mother who knew how to save, was very successful in her career. She was graduated from a prestigious four year college, & went on to earn a second degree from a highly respectable program to become a LCSW. So when she began telling me that I was the guilty one in our relationship, I believed her. To wrap this comment, basically everything the lady said about abusers, yea, every thing checked off for "Lily."

  2. Just left this type of relationship..I can't believe such people exist!I would rather be single than ever end up here again..

  3. In the UK, there is a maximum of five years prison sentence for this abuse .. whether male or female! It is non-gender specific. It does not matter who abuses the most, it happens to both genders, and the law does not discriminate by gender

  4. Great video, but the problem focuses on men as abusers. Narcissistic Personality Disordered abusers are men and women – it doesn’t discriminate. The problem lies in the target a) having flimsy boundaries b) being insecurely attached c) mistaking intensity for love d) having an addicted to love / fantasy /objectification personality e) having a history or about to begin a history of self-abandonment f) Being a fixer / saver g) projecting their reality into others without a realisation of others’ not-so-innocent realities.

    Straight away, the target is objectifying the abuser as the person who can give them these feelings that they are being promised. The problem lies in the target to yes, be educated in the signs, but in healing their own emotional wounds so they can’t be preyed upon in the first place.

  5. I can’t find any help anywhere. I left several messages at the ymca. Nobody calls me back. I keep hearing “you’re not alone “. But we are

  6. I am very unsympathetic towards women who stay in abusive relationships they put all the blame on themselves expect everybody to feel sorry for them show a little bit of pity for what they're going through im agry because i have a sister who is in an abusive marriage and continues to blame herself for situation I'm sorry shes my sister and i love her but i feel no pitty for her none what so ever. She wants all of us and her family to love and accept her husband well that will never happen

  7. Im a man who was in an abusive relationship. Lets not pretend that men are more abusive then women. Women are just as bad.

  8. i made some comments i am 82ys
    and i address about wayward mothers and and my comments
    disappeared? 808.321.3837

  9. They use these tactics in all areas of their lives, not just romantic relationships. Even your coworker or in law, or neighbour can use these tactics on you and become your frenemy number 1 without you realizing it. Its their default mode of existence.

  10. abusers will abuse because they want to have power and control. They need power and control because they have none over themselves. So they try to gain power and control by abusing those who are close to them. Never realizing that they will lose everything in their attempt to gain as much power and control over others. Eventually it will all come crashing down.

    The unfaithful spouse boyfriend/girlfriend they cheat because they think they are entitled. They steal because they think they are entitled. They use violence to intimidate and control because they think they are entitled and they have no control over themselves. A lack of empathy and a disregard for the rights of others will be their ultimate downfall they have no real discipline. They feel they are entitled to your body, your money and your material possessions. They hate being rejected or they hate hearing the word "no" because they hate authority and the natural chain of command structure. They believe they should be the one calling all the shots and they think they can beat the system. Because they don't want to be under anyone else's authority.

    In short the abuser is a rebellious child who thinks they are better than everyone else with a grandiose image of themselves. whether they have achieved anything in life or not. Or have truly given anything to anyone. They believe the world revolves around them and they cannot think or plan ahead or be responsible with their assets. There is so much to say about abusers and none of it is good.

  11. There's much good stuff in here to learn to protect from abusive relationships – however McMillan is wrong when she claims it is women that are majority of domestic abuse victims – it's actually about equal in Western societies, supported by credible studies that have actually asked in non biased terms, over the last 40 years.

    Erin Pizzey, who founded the first domestic violence shelter, was shocked that many of the women in her shelter she interviewed she found were just as violent as their male partners. Credible researchers have found just the same thing since – but have often been silenced, quietly ignored or even threatened for trying to publish or just discuss these studies. They have found that women are reluctant to acknowledge they have physically abused, and men are ashamed frequently to admit they've been abused, or don't even recognise what they experience as abused. Women can be just as manipulative as men too emotionally and psychologically, and sometimes more so, but she's biased in her language here against men.

    Male abusers are a menace, no doubt – but so are female ones. She might need to check out "The Red Pill" movie by Cassie Jaye to get a truth check. I applaud work she's doing in one sense for women, but please stop pretending that women aren't ever a perpetrator – they can be, and they are just as frequently as men.

  12. and why you hid and changed my words to isolate me on the internet and sneaked bad links on that the others couldnt see

  13. I wonder if these abusers get started in school as bullies, because Dina's description applies to schoolhouse and online bullies.

  14. I am a Army Veteran, I been to war, I have always thought of myself as a strong man. I have a VERY close supportive family. My ex-wife groomed me and broke me down to the point where she was going out clubbing with her guy friends and leaving me home to watch the kids (there was some physical abuse but most of it was emotional abuse). Watching these videos makes me so sad for others like me. I really think there needs to be more resources for people like me. I will say I got divorced and moved back home and now have a house within two miles of my sisters, but without the support of my family I don't think I would be in a good place in my life. I only put this out there to give hope to others like me.

  15. This is a very sad state of affairs. I am 51 years old and only just discovered the sick reality of my relationships with men. I hope it gets better now that I'm aware of what was really going on.

  16. There's so much focus on physical abuse when I believe there's a lot of verbal and psychological abuse and coercion going on before it turns into someone hitting someone. Since I have severe depression and anxiety as do others in my family, I'm convinced that having these issues can make you particularly vulnerable and targeted, especially if you have a difficult time keeping a job. There's the saying that when you're drowning, anyone in a life boat looks good. It can be the fight of your life to try to stand on your own two feet.

  17. Not to detract from this bc it makes complete sense. But what about men? Physical beatings are not by any means a joke or something to be disregarded. But the psychological and emotional damage are far more extensive. It can be administered without ever physically touching a person too. Think about some of the stereotypes and reverse engineer it. Add to that the fact that most people don't accept that men can go through it too.

  18. Why marry? It's what abusers love? Sure some nice people like marriage and some don't BUT all abusers love marriage.

  19. Coercive control: "Your life can be ruined by someone who never put his hands on you in anger." — SO VERY TRUE!

  20. I am a man and have been experienced all of this at the hands of women. Some covert some overt. The worst part is the pyschological and emotional abuse and as you said this cant be measured.

  21. THESE SITUATIONS HAPPEN TO MEN AS WELL !!! SPOUSAL ABUSE BY WOMEN IS ALSO A FACT. *MOTIVE, DEATH = $$$$.$$$$+ Psychological Emotional Triggers; Isolation, Deceit, Abandonment Does KILL !!! When A Man Has Been Married To His Spouse Over 45 yrs. & HE Has CALIFORNIA FINANCIAL WORTH 😮💃 YES, THIS JUST HAPPENED. SHE TORTURED HIS EMOTIONS TO DEATH.

  22. She KNEW HE LOVED HER & SHE LIVED ABOVE AVERAGE ; TRAVELS TO MANY, PLACES, CRUISES, AFRICA & BAHAMAS Several Times & Over Again, Maid Service AT Home, Gardeners to do Lawn For Several years. HE Had, 500,000 + Home (owned) Annuities, Life insurance, Rental Properties in CA. & MS. HE WAS A LOVE STRICKENED HUSBAND A MISSISSIPPI COUNTRY BOY, SHE A WISE OWL, Who Actually IS A LICENSE SCHOOL TEACHER IN CA. retired recently HE MET HER MANY YRS. AGO AS HE FLED MISSISSIPPI after His Marriage Ended upon an Early Off Day & His Return Home Was Shocking To Find His Wife In His Bed With The Neighbor. This 2nd Wife He Sent Back To College To Earn Her Teaching Degree BUT SHE'S A MURDERER 😮 He Was 78yrs Of Age SHE'S 80 & Attractive & Wild.

  23. Husband's who abuse their wives also put a psychological labels such as 'Bipolar, Narcissist, borderline disorder, etc…on their wives to use in court in order to control and deprive them of their lives. And the sad thing is that there was never anything wrong with these women in the first place. It's the physical & Phsychological abuse that gets them to think that it's the wife's fault to feel guilty and they shouldn't feel entitled to feel this way. Love shouldn't hurt, if it does, then it's not.

  24. Abuse is slavery…..

    The risk of getting stuck in these relationships is crazy to say the least.

  25. This needs to be taught and re-taught at multiple stages of of our lives. Elementary, Middle School, and absolutely in High School – every year. Everyone of all genders can be abusers or the abused, and we need to constantly remind ourselves that our basic psychology will be exploited by someone. Everyone has been or will be abused to some degree in their lifetime, and it will likely happen multiple times. People who think they've never been abused likely have been. They may not have been physically hurt but they were probably manipulated or subjected to another form of abuse. It happens to everyone, and you will likely encounter it throughout your whole life. The more you know the more you see its subtle effects everywhere.

  26. The best at psychological manipulation are women. You are mixing normal traits with abusive traits describing men who try to create intimacy as abuser also you are describing highly narcisistic traits without identifying the abuser as narc and women again are best at those actions you are pinpointing to men. Faking intimacy, Probing informations, Iperjealousy, isolative behaviours. Sorry I ended up on the wrong video apparently this one comes out of a women centre controlled by the usual bunch of subtle angry passive aggressive feminists. No clapping of hands, sincerely

  27. Big Bad Men….. They are all a bunch of abuser's…. 🙂 quick ladies go purchase Dina McMillan's book….

  28. Did you know that, in the middle east, men are the top percentage for abuse? This is probably a lot of why our president is trying to get a lot of them out of the country.

  29. and 30% of victims are MEN who are shy to speak up and just shut up till they die, but who cares!!! she just talked of women. I swear that violence is sth beyond gender.

  30. I think the reason there is less and less sympathy for the abuse of women by Men, is because Men are discovering that women are also brutish abusers themselves, in the most horrible ways too. Manipulative, psychopathic, lying, playing the victim, and when they go out in the world they put on a puppy dog face and act is if they did nothing wrong, and they are the victims. THAT is why growing numbers of Men could care less what happens to women. Fix yourselves, women, because Men are watching you.

  31. Nice talk, but focused too much on Men. The CDC estimates physical abuse to be closer to 50/50 male female. Because men are bigger and stronger their victims are more likely to need medical attention. When you open the topic up to physical AND emotional abuse . . .clearly males come out on the short end of that stick. Her recognition techniques should be given to both young women AND men. My advice to young men would be to RUN once you find out how crazy she is. She may beg and cry . . . But she won't change. Just like her male counterpart, she knows what she is planning is wrong. So she will 'love bomb' you while trying to separate you from any supportive person in your life.

  32. can i comment here please ladies? please I have to say something but I am a man, I need your permission to say something because it is about women

  33. I really want to watch this but the sound quality is so poor I was too distracted 🙁 If theres a better copy of this audio somewhere, can someone please let me know

  34. You are describing narcissistic behavior! Not liking being alone? Having a sense of entitlement? Having a lack of empathy? Needing various sources of narcissistic supply as in–cheating or other girlfriends or moving on quickly= narcissist.

    I've left another comment hear about this but I cannot understand why the domestic abuse community and the narcissistic abuse community are two separate communities when really we are all talking about the same thing. There is a huge narcissistic abuse community here on YouTube, but then when you watch videos about domestic violence no one mentions this term–and though I realize you don't need a label to know that something is abusive, learning about narcissism and narcissistic traits helped me in my situation immeasurably. Furthermore, learning to recognize the personality traits and the patterns of narcissistic people will help you avoid getting into relationships with them in the first place!

  35. We should just convince abusers to kill themselves. So many of my victims would have been spared if I was competent at the art of suicide. I started being an abuser when I was 3 or 4. The first time I attempted suicide to end my abusive behavior was around the age of 6. I just couldn't live with myself any more. I didn't know how else I could have gotten myself to end the abuse. I failed suicide then and I fail suicide now. Can someone buy me a gun so the next time wouldn't hurt so much next time? So I can finally end my life as an abuser?

  36. My last two girlfriends were both like this. The first one was a malignant abuser. She did everything she could to crush me. Out of that one I found myself with a covert abuser. It took me a year and a half to see the cycle but I eventually got out.

    There won’t be a third. Thanks for posting this video!

  37. I am 50yrs old and married to same guy for 25yrs and he is my caregiver for 4years because I have TBI AND PSTD AND HIGH ANXIETY. AND THE LAST couple yrs it has been getting bad and these yr he has been really bad and very argumentative and has been doing some things to me TRYING to KILL ME. And even killed my 4 therapy girl dog female MOMMA.

  38. At last somebody who speaks and makes a lot of sense, why are schools not educating people to understand how to avoid people who do this to others. In order for understand we must educate early and it must be mandatory only then will the numbers of abused people go down and perhaps the effects on children caught up in this situation will also be lessened

  39. This is all very good advice and true but I'm afraid that we live in a culture that depends on and thrives off of narcissitic behavior so as far as educating people early in life like starting in high school as many of the commenters here suggested, and is a great idea, will nonetheless probably never materialize simply because the people who would be reaponsible for making the decision to implent that plan are more often than not narcissitic to a large degree themselves. The only real solution is drastic cultural change on every level. And yes many men are now becoming victims of this exact same type of abuse (narcissitic control and manipulation) and the fact is that its a contagious problem that people learn and adapt to out of necessity for survival reasons and then pass on to others. The problem continues to expand and become more and more of a new "normal". Every kind of abuse there is seems to be at epidemic proportions now and the root of it is a culture of prideful narcissism.

  40. im out but i need to reconciliation the reality of what i went through.
    i mean, these people are my loved ones and at the same time my greatest enemies. how do i deal with that?
    well…i guess ill just keep going, maybe one day ill find some nice humans…
    kinda feels like im a child in a snake pit and it took me too long to figure out how to deal with the situation, so im not all in one piece anymore…

  41. It’s necessary that the public be aware that it’s not just men who abuse their partners. I’m a member of the LGBTQ Community. I’m an attractive, highly motivated and educated woman and I found myself in an abusive relationship with a female partner.
    It’s time we speak up. Women abuse women, and women abuse men. Emotional and psychological abuse is not gender specific.
    Stand strong! Love The Self First and Never betray the Self for someone else.

  42. I was in an abusive marriage and got out. She describes everything that my abuser did. It gets worse as time goes on. He finally tried to kill me. That was 25 years ago and leaving was the best thing I ever did for myself. He grew up witnessing domestic abuse and was terrified of his father. But, he went on to do the same thing!? You simply CANNOT stop them, but you can be made very aware of the behaviours they display. I am happy to watch this type of video because this topic is now OUT IN THE OPEN! Way back in the 70s NOBODY would discuss it. Awareness to me is just fantastic!

  43. I love how we put so much time and effort into breaking up relationships rather than trying to make relationships healthy and work. I personally think it's very abusive to break up families for the simple reason that people are much weaker when they are alone than when they are in a functioning family. With extended relatives too. This society values "individuality" a little too much I think. The state can abuse you far worse than any husband, but hey what do I know?

  44. Women abuse too. I'm trying to dismantle my life over the last 39 years and dissolve the assets of my life's work. An anolagy of my life going through the process is like trying to walk on ice in cowboy boots. If I can keep from upsetting her maybe the Lawyer's will not be able to collect half of the assets we have accumulated over the years. That said she's capable of anything you can possibly dream up and think no one could be that cruel and ruthless. It's like a light switch and if you stumble, they're sticking a leg out to make sure you trip and fall. Jekell and Hyde in the same person. She's always been the victim and playing the role is what she's done as long as I can remember. How many people will be fool's like me and stay with them for decades of abuse. Being a victim don't suit me at all. I'm not seeking pity only a better understanding of what my life's true purpose is and how to get all of the positives I can from this experience
    Move on so they say, who knows how long it will take to build trust again, I don't have a clue. Nothing to bash women who are victims themselves but the truth is these scar's are not visible. Truth is a little skinny woman who has your heart can be so mean and cruel to you and no one not even your daughter or sister can not believe you if you try to talk to them. I've learned that I was already smeared in this small town before she made her grand exit. I prayed for both of our souls when I was tempted terribly as she desperately tried to make me do the thing I have never done in all these years. She wanted me to hit her and honestly I don't know how I kept from beating the brakes off her. Prayer has power and that's truth. I watched this as I am seeking knowledge to have a better understanding of what my own lifes purpose really is. I am looking for directions at an intersection without a map,compass or light to see by. I'm going to be a better man for all this or I would give up on life. Both of us ( men/ women) have good and bad traits and the abuse hurts us one and all, no exceptions.

  45. Men are also abused by women and they do not have anywhere to turn like women do. Gender prejudice is real and leads to greater harm on top of the abuse already suffered by men. Please wake up – an entire generation of men is being destroyed by the violence perpetrated on them and kept in the dark. We will not hide anymore – we will stand and refuse to be pigeonholed, abused in secret, and denied help.

  46. This is so much quicker to get, women’s centres everywhere could use this information in schools and get through to future victims so much faster, brilliant.

  47. What women can do to protect themselves is aborting them before they become the majority as they already managed to do in some cultures.

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