THIS IS DEPRESSION (VERY WELL: new mental health series!)


At this present moment, I feel as though
all the pieces of my life are falling into place. It’s just that I’m not there
to enjoy it. I have this hunger that cannot be sated, no matter how eagerly I
feed on the give-and-take of relationships. Like I’m hollow. Like there’s
a black hole inside me that absorbs all the warmth, security, support and love and
it leaves me missing. It leaves me aching for an embrace that lasts forever. One
that would compress me until I’m lead-heavy, because only then I would feel
complete. Or would I? How can I ever feel content if I can’t
precisely the discern what’s missing? There’s a distance between me and the
perceptible world. I cannot touch it or grasp its true nature and it cannot
grasp mine. A vantablack void. Back in the day I would open my eyes every
morning, longing for change, but what I got instead were a thousand
disappointments. So eventually… I stopped counting. Depression has clipped my wings yet
anxiety expects me to fly. Somehow I managed to disappoint myself, even though
I didn’t have any expectations in the first place. Everyone who kept their
fingers crossed for me has long quit, as though they got tired of waiting. No
wonder they left. I would too. Sadly, I cannot walk away from myself. I’m forced into existence, watching
people handle life so effortlessly, while I fall apart at 2PM. ‘How are you doing?’ –
they ask. So I try to find words, but they evade me.
I can feel myself subsiding, nearing the point of no return. The cracks are
starting to show through the flimsy layer of paper I’ve been trying to cover them
with. But I just lift my head up and… smile. ‘Yeah, I’m well’.

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