The Tale of Two Brains
1/2 Hello and welcome to
“Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage”. I am so glad you are here. This is the marriage seminar for people
who hate marriage seminars! I’ve got a kick out of watching the couples
when they first come in on Friday night. The girls are all lit up and just… “I got him here!
I got him here! I got him here!” And the guys are going:
“Oh, man, I can’t believe”
you know “I got here!” But it’s cool, guys.
You can relax. You’re gonna love it. This is not one of those
“Let’s beat up on the men
for not being women” seminars. Yes! That’s what I’m talking about! What is it with that anyway? Man, you know, you ask a lot of women
to describe their ideal man
and they’ll describe another woman. What’s up with that? So, we’re not gonna do that.
We’re going to just going with this thing
in a normal healthy way. We are men. Men are men.
We are not sick, we’re not perverted,
we’re not twisted. Well, you know, we’re not broken.
We are men! Alright? And God… Yeah… ! And God made us the way we are
for a reason. And I’m gonna show you, girls,
what that reason is. OK? And I’m gonna try to explain to you
the world of men a little bit
through this thing. We will also discuss
the women’s side of things as well. But I really want you to understand
this men thing. Women are
much more complicated than men. Men are very simple.
Simple. S-E-X simple. Alright? So… That’s what I’m talking about! OK? So, we’re gonna have…
We should have a really really great time. Now, tonight we’re gonna do a session called
“The Tale of Two Brains”. Hence, the two brains. And we’re going to be discussing
how men and women think
very differently from each other. Why is that important?
Because men and women
are very quick to make into heart problems what are essentially head problems. A woman acts a certain way,
a guy feels she doesn’t care about him. He says:
“There’s something wrong with your heart.
You don’t care about me.” No, no. It’s the way she processes information. And the same with the guy.
A man thinks in a certain way. And the woman thinks
there’s something wrong with his heart.
No, it’s his head. OK? So, I’m gonna try and explain to you
what that’s all about. Then tomorrow morning we’re gonna do
a session called:
“Why does he do that?” “Why does she do that?” OK? So, you see, one thing is
to understand men and women in general. It’s another one to understand
the one you got stuck with, OK? So I’m gonna show you how you can discover
specifically what makes your spouse tick. And it’s powerful information that will
absolutely revolutionize your relationship. Alright? Then we’re gonna do what I call:
“The Yo Mama session”. And it’s called:
“The No.1 Key to Incredible Sex” And boys, if you’ll miss that,
there’s just something wrong with you! OK? So, you gotta check it out.
And then we’re gonna end with: “How to stay married and not kill anybody.”
OK? All very deep emotional stuff. Now lot of people say:
“Well, what’s your background,
what’s your deal”? Well, my background is that I’m a minister.
Now, if you’re not much of a church-goer,
don’t let that make you nervous. Some of my biggest fans are heathens.
Alright? And this isn’t one of those things
where we sneak you and then beat you
over the head with the Bible. Alright? But I do have a Bible verse
I need to show you, OK? Because I found a Bible verse
that if you follow the advice
from this one Bible verse, you will never ever ever
have a problem in marriage. How many of you think that’s worth seeing? You follow the advice of this one verse,
you’ll never have a problem in marriage. “It is good for a man
not to marry.” It says:
“It’s good for a man not to marry.” Alright?
“Why would he say that?
That’s such a terrible thing to say.” Because, he goes on to explain:
“He who marries will have trouble in this life.” You know, people come up to me:
“Pastor Mark! Pastor Mark!
Something’s wrong! Something’s wrong!” I say: “What is it?”
“We’ve got trouble in our marriage.” I go:
“No, that’s about right.” There ain’t nothing wrong!
That’s pretty normal. Now, you don’t hear these verses
read at weddings very often. We kinda downplay that. You don’t see those on hallmark cards. You don’t see ’em on cakes
with pretty calligraphy: “He who marries will have trouble… ” “…but it’s too late for you!” You see, if that’s the case,
you know, why you can’t marry,
because marriage is absolutely wonderful. It’s great! It’s fantastic! But it’s not that’s without trouble. And I want to show one other verse to you.
Now, you do not have the deep
theological training that I have so you might have a hard time
understanding this verse but I’ll try to explain it to you.
This one’s found in Proverbs and it goes like this:
“Where no oxen are, the manger is clean.” Let me explain that to you, OK? What does that mean?
Well, it means if you’re gonna have an ox, you’re going to have ox poo, alright? Now, if you don’t like poo,
and most of us are not real big fans of poo, if you don’t like poo,
the temptation is – get rid of ox! “You’re preaching, brother!” I don’t want to get rid of the ox, alright? So why would you keep the ox around?
Because, it goes,
the second half of the verse, it says: “But much increase comes by
the strength of the ox.” Well, now, there’s the Catch 22:
on the one hand
we all love the benefit of the ox, but nobody likes the poo. And what it’s trying to tell us here is
you cannot have one without the other. There is no such thing
as a poo-free marriage. It just doesn’t exist! Unless you shoot the ox! But that leads to other problems. So this weekend is not about
attaining a state of perfection in your life,
alright? It’s about getting a proper
positive to poo ratio in your life. You see, because if all you get is poo,
then you’ve got one sick ox. Are you hearin’ me?
Alright? So, there’s no such thing
as a poo-free marriage. For those of you who are having hard times
grasping this, I have a mathematical
version of it. It goes:
Ox=poo / positive Some would say positive / poo, but anyway,
it’s the ratio that we wanna get going here,
OK? Now, marriage is a wonderful institution. Statistically speaking,
we know that married people
are healthier than single people, they are actually happier
than single people,
assuming you are doing this right. You can be profoundly unhappy. They actually make more money
than single people and I’ll mention
a little bit later why that’s true, OK? They have better sex
than single people.
Now, you don’t see that in our culture. You know, in all the movies and shows,
you know, it’s the single people
all having a really great sex.
And the married people… You know, someone says:
“How’s your sex life?”
“Are you kidding? I’m married. ” And it’s not true.
It’s a bunch of baloney, OK!? Married people have great sex
compared to single…
Single people don’t even know
what they’re doing, for crying out loud! And statistically speaking, married people
live longer than single people. It’s particularly true for men. Statistically speaking,
one of the most dangerous things a man can do in America today
is to remain single. It is the equivalent of smoking
two and half packets of cigarettes a day. It’s true. They’ve found out
that if you take someone
who has two and half packets a day, and health problems, and the shortness of life
and all these difficulties, and a single guy,
it’s pretty much the same. I guess the worst would be
a single guy who smokes
two and half packets of cigarettes a day. Alright? Marriage is wonderful,
it’s great, it rocks! I love it! OK? If you do it right. Now, the problem here is,
so many people don’t do it right. And it’s not that they don’t wanna do it,
it’s that they don’t know what to do. We live in a culture today that seems,
somehow in a relationship area
to be completely clueless. We seriously do not know what to do.
This weekend, what I want to do is show you
specific things you can do that will absolutely energize
and transform your married life. How many of you think that’s worth hearing? So… Now I want to talk to you about
what I call “the laws of relational physics”. You see, the laws of physics
whether you believe them or not. If I step off the stage,
I’m probably in all likelihood going to go down. If I start floating around
you might gonna freak out and run. Why?
‘Cause the laws of physics…
“Well, I don’t believe that!” …no matter what I believe!
I’m going down! Right? It doesn’t matter if I’m a born-again Christian,
it doesn’t matter if I’m a heathen, I’m goin…
’cause it affects everybody! Well, just like that there are
the laws of relational physics. And they affect everybody,
whether you believe them or not. And this might come as a little bit of a shock
to those of you who are church people, especially hearing that from a minister. But the truth is you don’t have to be
a Christian to have a great marriage. I know a lot of heathens
who have wonderful marriages. I know a lot of born-again Christians
who have horrible marriages. Why is that?
They’re breaking all the rules. And they assume that somehow
the rules don’t apply to them. But they do. Here’s an example:
if you’re driving a car at 80 mph
around a curve that says only 40, and you keep going 80,
chances are you’re gonna get hurt even if you’re listening
to a Christian radio station. Even if you have a statue of Jesus on the…
He might be going: “Aaaaaaa!” But… Why is that? Because the laws of physics
still affect you. But for some miracle
you’re going to get hurt. Same true with relational physics.
And I wanna explain that to you,
I will take a look at that. Now, this weekend I’m gonna be speaking
to you in basic stereotypes. In other words: “Women generally
tend to be a certain way…”
“Men generally tend to be a certain way…” But they’re not all that way,
I get it! Some of the people just have a cow:
“That’s not true for all….!” I’m admitting, it’s not! Alright? Just generally speaking.
We don’t have time to get into
all the shades of grey. But generally speaking, men are certain way,
women are certain way. If I start describing something
that’s not you, don’t have a cow,
just interpolate for your relationships. In Debbie’s and I relationship there are areas
where we are completely opposite
of a typical man and woman. I remember when I was first
studying this stuff, I thougt:
“Oh, man! I’m a woman!” So just interpolate. I will say this:
that if you tend to be one way
in a certain relationship your wife generally will be the other way.
I don’t think I’ve run across the couple yet,
and I’m sure there are out there, that act the exact same way. So if you break the rules, chances are
your spouse’s breaking them right with you.
And you’ll just flip on the steel. OK? For example, a typical stereotype:
“Men are more interested in sex
than their wives.” Why would you say that?
Because, generally, it’s true. But it’s not always true. There are
lot of relationships where there wife
is much more interested in sex
than her husband. And if you’re here tonight, and your wife
is much more interested in sex than you are I think I speak for all the
men here when I say that we hate you! Please don’t tell us who you are. We will hurt you, alright? So… So just go with the flow,
it’ll be cool. We’ll have a great time
discussing this thing about marriage. I believe marriage is a life-giving institution. We live in a culture today that believes
marriage is a life-sucking institution. “It will suck the life out of you!” And that’s why we say:
“Make sure you’re old enough,
make sure you have enough money,” “Make sure you have enough education,
make sure you’ve been dating
for 37 years first… ” “Make sure, you know, get all the stuff.
Why?! You’ve gotta get everything together
and ready, so when you say ‘I do’
you can withstand it.” But it’s not that way. It’ll give you life,
if you’ll do it right. If you do this right,
marriage can be the closest thing
to heaven on earth. If you do it wrong… Well, you fill in the blanks, OK?
So now, we’re gonna start discussing
men’s brains – women’s brains. and how they’re
very different from each other. Now, I wanna start with men’s brains. Alright? Now, men’s brains are very unique.
Men’s brains are made up of little boxes. And we have a box for everything. We’ve got a box for the car,
we’ve got a box for the money,
we’ve got a box for the job,
we’ve got a box for you, we’ve got a box for the kids,
we’ve got a box for your mother
somewhere in the basement. We’ve got boxes everywhere! And the rule is:
The boxes don’t touch. When a man discusses a particular subject,
we go to that particular box, we pull that box out,
we open the box, we discuss only what is in that box! Alright? And then we close the box and put it away being very very careful
not to touch any other boxes. Sorry, my Catholic upbringing
I didn’t ever meant it, but… I’m not a Catholic,
but I went to Catholic school
when I was little. I had a nun who taught on hell
like she was born and raised there.
I mean, I’ll never forget it. It did me good, actually.
It was a good thing. Now, women’s brains are very very different
from men’s brains. Women’s brains are made up
of a big ball of wire. And everything is connected
to everything. Money is connect the car,
car is connected to your job, and your kids are connected
to your mother…
…and everything is connected to everything. It’s like the Internet
superhighway. And it’s all driven by energy
that we call emotion. It’s one of the reasons
why women tend to remember everything. Because, if you take an event
and you connect it to an emotion,
it burns in your memory and you can remember it forever.
The same thing happens for men,
it just doesn’t happen very often, because, quite frankly,
we don’t care. Women tend to care about
everything! And she just loves it. Now men, we have a box in our brain
that most women are not aware of. This particular box has nothing in it. It is true. In fact, we call it “the nothing box”. And of all the boxes
a man has in his brain, the nothing box is our favourite box. If a man has a chance
he’ll go to his nothing box every time. That’s why a man can do something
seemingly completely braindead
for hours on in. You know, like fishing. And we love it. That’s why a guy
can sit in front of the TV and go… “You’re close!” Of course, that drives our wives nuts
because they’d come and say:
“Stop that!” “How can’t possibly
be watching anything?” “I’m not.” “Go away!” Now, they’ve actually measured this.
The University of Pennsylvania
a couple of years ago did a study and discovered that men have the ability
to think about absolutely nothing
and still breathe. You know, they connected all the wires
and stuff like that
and watched their brain activity
and all of a sudden…. “I think he’s dead!”
“Ha?” Women can’t do it. They can’t do it.
Their mind never stops. And they don’t understand the nothing box!
And it drives ’em crazy! Because nothing drives a woman
more crazy or makes you feel more irritated than to witness a man
doing nothing! Now one of the biggest revelations
I get out of women,
is that whole nothing box issue.
They are just… Everything’s starting to make sense. And I’ve had women say:
“Oh, it’s nothing?
Can I go in his nothing box with him?” No! “Why not?” Because then it’s something! Besides, you’ll walk in there and go… “You know, this place
could really use some pictures…” “A nice little table over here,
“No!” “Nothing! Get out!
We do want nothing.” Now this handles the way men
and women handle stress. When a man is stressed out
all he wants to do is run to his nothing box. This is how we unwind.
The last thing we wanna do
when we’re stressed out is talk about it. We don’t wanna talk about it,
we just wanna… ‘Cause it just drives her nuts, you know. A woman will see a man
in that “vegetative” state,
she’ll come up and go: “What are you thinking about?” “Nothing.” “You’ve gotta be thinking about something!” “No, I think about nothing.” “…till you showed up.” “Go away!” ‘Cause that’s how he handles stress,
he just… Now, when a woman is stressed out,
she has to talk about it. If she doesn’t talk about it,
her brain will literally explode. So she has to start just:
“I don’t know, maybe…” “then, you know, I never thought about this.
My brother would say…” I know men who run
from their wives when they do this. I say: “Why do you run from her?” He says:
“Because I don’t know what to tell her!” I say: “Dear God, man, who told you
to tell her anything?” She doesn’t want you to tell her anything.
You see, a lot of guys they feel obligated
when you start explaining all your stress, they feel obligated to fix you. ‘Cause that’s what a man does.
A man only tells his troubles to another man
in hopes that that man will help fix it, OK? But she’s not a man.
And you try and fix her, she’ll gonna kill you. She doesn’t want your advice,
she doesn’t want your help,
she wants you to shut up and listen! And a couple of ladies:
“That’s right! You tell him!
Tell him to shut up!” They like that! Now, I had one guy who told me:
“Man, if she just tell me how she feels!” I said: “She doesn’t know yet!” He goes: “What do you mean?”
“That’s how she figures out how she feels” “by connecting this wire to that wire
and so on…” Now, because they love each other,
they offer to each other their answer.
Their solution. A man senses his wife is stressed out,
he loves the girl, he offers to the girl
his best and finest solution. “Well, just quit talking about it.” “Just quit thinking about it.” And that’s when she starts reaching
for the knives and stuff
and she’s gonna stab you
if you keep it up, OK? Now, a woman, she senses
her husband is all stressed out. She loves him, therefore she offers to him
her best and finest solution. “Talk to me!” “Why don’t you talk to me?” 17 seconds 🙂 “Go away!” He doesn’t wanna talk to you!
Leave him alone! I will not die! He’s not a woman! I know you’ve got to talk it through,
you’ve gotta be twisted inside!
He’s not like that! Leave the boy alone,
you tell he’s stressed out?
Just let him go to his nothing box. Just stay away. Stay away. And it’s hard for us to understand it
because we think so differently
from each other. Now, not only does this affect the way
that we’re responding to stress and stuff, the way our brains are wired,
it also affects the way we use words, OK? Men tend to use less words
than women. That’s because the women have
all the wires that are trying to connect and they’ve gotta explain
each and every connection! They say that if a man needs to speak
10,000 words in a day a woman needs to speak 20,000. My wife says:
“That’s cause we’ve gotta
repeat everything we say!” To which I responded:
“Ha?” Where is my darling redhead?
Is she around? Come up, I want you to meet my wife,
Debbie, come on up here… People say to me:
“Doesn’t she talk, too?” Nope! Not to you anyway,
she talks to me. But she won’t talk to you,
because she doesn’t wanna talk to you. Where’s my tablet?
I wanna show you something
about the whole words’ thing. You know, they’ve actually measured this.
They went in and studied children and babies. And they’ve found out…
They’ve actually took cameras
and put them in nurseries
and analyzed the pictures later. And they’ve noticed the pictures
of the little girls right from the get-go
their mouths were just going. It’s true! And then they analyzed
the pictures of little boys. And they were just… And still thinking:
“What was that?” “I wanna go back, I don’t get it.” Then they went and recorded conversations
of little boys and girls on playgrounds
and then went back and analyzed them. And they discovered that little girls
loved to talk. They were very articulate,
loved to use full sentences,
just loved to talk. And if they didn’t have anybody to talk to,
they were perfectly content
to talk to nobody. And they were just: “Lalalalalaa”.
Just complete sentences. Then they analyzed the conversations
of the little boys. And only about 55% of it
was intelligible. They couldn’t tell what they were sayin’!
You know, just… That’s conversation to a man, OK? Not only do we use
different amounts of words,
words can mean different things
to men and women. For example… 5 minutes Now, to most men,
five minutes means five minutes. To a lot of women
it can be an indefinite period of time. “Are you ready yet?”
“Five more minutes!” As we discussed,
men understand “nothing”. Women don’t understand
the significance of “nothing”. If a woman says: “Nothing”,
look out, it’s something! “Oh, dude, man,
I don’t know what happened.”
“Why, why? What happened?” “I don’t know, I asked my wife
what she was upset about…”
“What did she say?” “Well, she said nothing.”
“Get out of the house, man!
Run now! Get out!” Now, this is not a word, it’s vocalization.
It’s a sigh. Now, when a man sighs, it means:
Everything is good with life. When a woman sighs it means:
“You are an idiot.” “Go ahead.” When a man says: “Go ahead”,
he’s being polite. When a woman says: “Go ahead”,
she’s giving you the opportunity to explain
whatever stupid thing it was you just did. But you need to be
very careful in the explanation because it is very likely
to be followed by a sigh, which will lead to an argument over nothing, and then you ain’t gonna have sex again
for at least five minutes. Women’s brains come with
lots of extra RAM. So they can remember the details
of everything. Men’s brains come with
only the minimum basic requirements, to keep us breathing and eating. That’s why a lot of men…
We don’t hang on to lots of details,
they don’t stick with us. When an event happens,
we just categorize it as “an event”. Alright? Whereas women,
it’s not just the event,
it’s all the details connected with an event. And you run into this when a friend of your family or something
will call and you know,
she just had a baby. And then you tell your wife:
“Oh, so and so has called, they had a baby.” And she’ll say: “What was it?”
And he says: “Well, it was a baby.” “What kind of baby?”
“I do not know! It’s a baby!” “What difference does it make?” “Oh, how long was it?
“I do not know!” “How long, how tall,
how much did it weigh?
“I do not know! Under 20 pounds!” But it’s detail, detail, detail… A woman would come to a guy and say:
“How was your day?” And then we go to the RAM
and all it’s there is that it was a day. And we say: “It was fine.” And she’ll say:
“Well, what happened?” And we go to the RAM
and there’s nothing there. And we panic and we go:
“Nothing!” Women, they’ve got all this… you know… That’s why when a guy retells a story
it’s usually pretty much
a some bottom line kind of thing.
What happened? “This happened, that happened, we’re done.” When a lot of women share what happened,
they relive the event, in excrutiatingly painful details.
I mean – you are there. And, you know,
couples can really fight over this. My wife and I we still fight over this one,
you know, this is, this just drives us crazy. Sweetheart,
when your husband asked the question:
“What did the plumber say?”, he really doesn’t wanna know,
what he said. Well I said: “How’re you doin’?”
He said he’s fine. I said: “Pretty nice day we’re havin'”
He said: “Yes”. “You’ve got any kids?”
No! What did he say? Bottom line. Details… Men’s brains – women’s brains.
It also affects, not only the words
we use and stuff,
but also it affects how we listen. You know, yeah… Women listen.
But, we listen too, we’re just different. A lot of women say, you know,
men’s problem is
they’ve got selective listening.
You know what that is, right? That’s when the wife will say something like:
“Honey, go to the store,” “lay down the mulch, wash and wax the car,
get the kids at school,” “rent some videos and finish
the rest of the dishes.” And then he runs that
through his selective filter… And all he hears is:
“Honey, go, lay down and get some rest,”
OK? But that’s not what I’m talking about.
What I’m really talking about is the difference between single-tasking
and multi-tasking. By and large… Again, interpolate
for your relationships. Again, not everybody is the same way,
but, by and large, men are single-taskers. We do one thing
and we do it pretty well. Women can handle lots of things.
Guys aren’t wired that way. That’s why it’s not a good idea
to put a man in charge
of more than one kid at a time. You know, we can handle the one. “Sweetheart, you’re doing
such a good job with Johnny, wow!
But where are the rest of the kids?” “We’ve got other kids?” But men we’re just… I am a classic single-tasker. I’m so bad,
I’ll be going long
and I’ll forget the one thing I was doing. I’m completely lost.
I need to reboot my brain. “Wow, where am I?” But men, generally speaking… we do it.
Now, what we do, we do very well. One of the reasons
that men are so good in what they do, is because of this ability to completely focus
on just one task. Men usually will rise to the top
of any profession,
even those dominated sometimes by women. The best hair-designers in the world
a lot of times are men,
best cooks in the world – men. Why is that?
Because we have this unique ability
to focus on just one thing and do it extremely well, OK? Women are wired differently.
You know, they just… My wife can be, you know,
in the living room, watching TV, reading a book, making knick-knacks
and talking on the phone
all at the same time. It’s just amazing to me. Of course, I come in
and I’ll assume she’s not watching TV. “Hey!” “What?”
“I was watching that!” “How can you be watching that?
You’re making knick-knacks and such…”
“Put it back!” Now this affects the way we listen. Because, when a man is doing something,
he generally cannot hear anything. It’s just true.
Women are not… Women can be doing lots of things
and holding three different conversations. You know, she’ll walk into a room
and she’ll see her husband
reading the newspaper. And she assumes:
“I multi-task, therefore, he must multi-task.” But he’s running
the newspaper-reading program.
And he can only run one program at a time. He’s not hearing a jack! And this makes women very angry.
But you just need to come over
and you gotta close
the newspaper-reading program, you’ve gotta load
the Listen-to-me program. But you’ve gotta wait a minute.
He needs a reboot. “I did not know you was here.” You laugh, but I’m serious, girls.
If you see a man doing something,
unless he’s wired differently, do not be giving him vital information. ‘Cause this is a trainwreck
waiting to happen. You’ll have this conversation again.
When you swear he told you he swears you never told him. You know you told him,
but in his brain you never said jack to him. The problem here is, guys,
we get ourselves in trouble,
because we have…
Men have this natural defence mechanism that at all costs do not stop
doing what you’re doing. So, when someone starts talking to you,
we automatically have this
defence mechanism that goes: “Mmhmm… Yep… Mmhmm” And we keep doing what we’re doing
and we’re not…
And she thinks you’re listening to her. But you’re not listening.
You need to stop what you’re doing,
you’re a big boy, stop what you’re doing turn to the girl and pay attention to her. So it’s not all on the ladies.
You’re big boys,
when she starts talking, stop!
Listen to the girl and then let him go back
to what he was doing. Sounds fair, right? When I started doing this,
then I thought:
“This is great, I’m doing a lot better…” You know, I’m watching the single-tasking.
“Yeah? OK, what, what?” And then I’ll say:
“I didn’t hear that.” I make her back-up
and she’ll give me the info and I got it… OK. And I thought I was doing a lot better
but still I was getting myself in trouble. You know, she’ll walk up and say:
“It’s 6 o’clock, are you ready?” “For what?” You know, that happened
to the half of you, guys, tonight, right? “We’re doing what?” “I told you!”
“No, you didn’t!” “Yes, I did!”
And after the races we would go. But I thought: “Man, what, it doesn’t work,
I’m watching the single-tasking,
I don’t remember her saying anything.” And I thought I was losing my hearing. So I went to a doctor. True story! I went to the doctor and I walked in, he’ll say: “Hi, how are you doing?
I said: “OK.” “What seems to be the problem?” I said: “Well, I think losing my hearing.” And he says: “Well, you know,
you’re getting up there an age, you know.” “Ears are one of the first thing to go.” And I said:
“If that’s one of the first, I can handle that.” We will talk more about that tomorrow.
But… So he said:
“Well, go on to the nurse Crachett,
she’ll test your ears.” So I followed the lady,
and I walked into this room
and they got this cheap box on a table with some real chancy headphones. And she says:
“Alright, now, put on the headphones,
when you hear the beep, raise your hand.” “If you don’t hear the beep,
don’t raise your hand.” OK? Apparently, I looked really stupid.
So, anyway, I turned around and we began. Pretty soon she goes:
“Really, you can hear all that?” I turned around and said: “Yes, why?”
She is hitting the box. “I don’t know, piece of junk,
what’s the matter with this thing?”
I said: “What’s the problem?” “According to this, you can hear
what cats and dogs can hear. I don’t know.” She is hitting the box. She says:
“I’m gonna send you to a specialist.” You ever been to the specialist? You know,
they’ve got this yo-mama soundproof room,
you know, the thick door, you know. Help mee! You know, they’ve got
the person sitting behind the glass. You feel like you’re in a people aquarium. “Sir, just sit down!” Anyway, so at the time we lived in Greenbay,
Wisconsin. And right downtown Greenbay
there was a place called:
“Eye and Ear Associates” I’ve never heard of them before.
I had no reason to hear from them. But she said:
“I’m gonna send you to these people,
they have all this fancy equipment. And so she takes a doctor’s pad
and she writes:
“Eye, ear,” and she abbreviates
“Associates” and hands it to me. (Eye Ear Ass.) I said: “What kind of doctor is this?” It’s true story. She says: “What do you mean?” I said:
“I heard ‘eye, ear and throat’,” “I never heard of this.” She said:
“Let me see that!
Oh, I’m so embarrased, I’m so embarrased!” She wrote out:
“Associates”. Otherwise it was gotta be for a very
uncomfortable test there for me. So I go to the
“Eye, ear and you know” doctor and… I get in there and I sit down
and she’s behind the glass
and she has to push the button to talk: “OK, now put on the headphones.
When you hear the beep… ” I spin around and we began. I kid you, now she goes: “Really, you can hear all that?” I felt like a moron, alright? I take the printout to the specialist.
He goes: “What are you doing here?” “You’ve got better ears than me!” I said: “I don’t know, man,
she says, you know:
‘Are you ready? It’s six o’clock…'” So I go home and I walk in the door,
“Well, what the doctors say?” She doesn’t sound like that, by the way. I say that, because people used to
come up to me and say:
she doesn’t have a voice like that!” I do it for effect. By the way,
we’ve been married for 32 years. We have two grandsons… Very cool. Beatiful boys! One is 10 months old,
the other one’s eight
and they are just such a delight. I love grandchildren,
’cause now it’s payback! “Come here!
You want some more sugar?” “OK. Bye!” My son, Philip’s here with us.
He’s running the audio… …and on our 30th wedding-anniversary
Phil gives me a call-up and he says: “Hey, dad! 30 years.
That’s really something!” I said: “Well, thank you, Sir!” I said: “But you know, truthfully, Phil,” I said,
“It only feels like ten minutes.” He goes: “Really?” I said: “Yeah. Ten minutes… under water.” All lighten up! All the girls:
“Oh, I can’t believe he said that!
What is she gonna think?” It’s just a joke box, alright?
It’s just a joke. So I come back from my ear specialist and,
“Well, what they say?” “Well, they said,
I can hear what cats and dogs can hear.” She says: “That’s not your problem.
Your problem’s you just don’t pay attention!” I thought: “But I’ve been paying attention,
I was watching
the single-tasking thing and…” So I thought I’m gonna do a test. I wanna see how far she gets away
before I can hear her. So the next day
we were sitting in the kitchen
and she comes up and she’s talking to me:
“La la la la laa…” And I go: “Mmhmm.”
And then she walks a little bit further away.
She says: “La la la la la laa…” OK, I can hear that.
She goes a little further away.
“La la la la la laa” You know, just doing multi-tasking thing.
Then she goes into the living room.
“La la la la laa…”
And now she goes into another room. And she’s now on the other side of the house
still talking to me! I said “Hey!”
She yells back: “What?” I said: “I’m on the other side of the house!”
She goes: “Oh, you don’t listen anyway!” The next day, I caught her,
this time she goes upstairs! She’s on another floor
still giving me vital information! That’s when it started dawning on me:
“Wait a minute!” We might single-task, but these women
so multi-task… …they just keep do what they’re doing
and whether or not
you’re in the same area code is irrelevant! Irrelevant!
That’s the word. I had a guy, the other day, he says:
“You know, my wife’s like that,” “she’ll just, she’d be talking to me,
she’s by the dryer. And she’ll be telling
something important. ‘La la la la laa'” “She’ll stick her head in the dryer…” “And you’d better do that…” “…or you’re gonna be in a big trouble!” She still does that to me. She’ll…
…we’ll be like on a real busy highway …all kinds of noise. And she’ll be talking:
“You know, something that’s really import…” “So you’d better be careful about it!”
“What? I didn’t hear what you’ve said!” Laws of physics, girls,
it applies to you! It would help if your husband was
in the same area code, OK?! Now, I first shared this story
at men’s conference I was speaking at. And I thought that was just
a funny story that happened to me. But it’s,
I’m sure that all these men were goin’… And one guy come up to me after
and he says:
“You know, pastor, I’ll be in the bathroom,” “The door is closed,” “The fan is on.” “There’s tile everywhere,
so sound just bounces around in there.” “I’m standing there.
All I can hear is the sound of rushing water.” “And she’s still talking to me!” You know, I figured out that’s why
we miss sometimes, girls. What? What? Another mystery solved! Girls, don’t be so multi-tasking that you’re doing a gazillion things
giving him vital information! Alright? Especially if he’s doing something. This simple thing that I’m talking to you
creates more arguments
and more frustrations in marriages and we’re fighting over nothing! But you know you really are
married to a multi-tasker, when during a moment of intimate passion she suddenly brokes out:
“Oh, by the way,
the plumber said our toilets are broken.” Toilets? Focus, woman, focus! Man, she can make love to you,
plan next-week’s dinner, you know, think about the toilets…
It’s all the same there. I need my tablet back up here.
I wanna show you something. In no other area men’s brains
and women’s brains,
do men and women think more differently than in this area of sex.
And we’ll get into a lot more detail tomorrow. But I wanna show something here that
I think will be of great interest to you. Give my lovely assistant a hand. Now sex is a pretty big issue,
particularly for men. For us, our sexual interest peaks
at about age 18 and then goes down from there,
so if you’re to chart it out,
it would look like something like this. It peaks at about age 18
and then goes down. And then you’re dead. Now, some things are important
for women to understand. When it comes to this area,
we’re no longer driven so much
by our brains or by our hearts but it’s by a chemical.
It’s called testosterone. And it runs to our blood… It runs to our blood
and it drives us crazy! If you, girls, knew how much
this drove us crazy,
you’d be more disgusted with us
than you are right now. We downplay it, man! And, it’s, I’m telling you,
as funny as this little chart is,
and it is true as it is for so many men. If for some reason as a man ages
his testosterone levels begin to decline, his interest in sex will start to decline. And if his testosterone level
his interest will go way down. Same head, same heart, same guy,
and now he’s not interested in sex. You treat that man and it’s very easy to do,
with testosterone supplements, and “boom”, he’s the same
wild man you married. Same head, same heart,
same guy, now he’s… “Come here, baby!” Alright? So, this is not because we’re sickoes,
this is not because we’re perverts,
it’s not ’cause we’re broken. God wired us this way.
And he did it on purpose. You know:
“What was that purpose?” I’m gonna show you in a minute,
but you need to really understand this. And the truth is,
when we get this rush of testosterone,
it just messes with us. Now, for the love of God,
don’t raise your hands, but… …most men will admit
that we usually receive a testosterone rush usually very early in the morning. And for no reason at all. And it just wakes us up, it just… And we’re not thinking
about anything! Alright? And that’s usually when a man reaches over
and whispers those three words
every woman loves to hear: “Hey, you’re awake?” We’ll be taling more about that tomorrow,
OK? So, why does God wire
men this way, OK? Now, to explain this,
I need to do an anatomy lesson. You’re all OK? “Hang on, Marvin,
he’s gonna draw picures!” It’ll be OK.
We’ll keep it clean, OK? Now, we’ll call this the girl’s heart. And in the interest of keeping everything
at least PG13, we will refer to this as
“the place of happiness”. I had a lady come up to me recently
and she goes: “Man, I can’t even go to Wallmart anymore,
smiley faces all over the place!” Now, at some fundamental level,
this is every man’s basic interest in a woman. It’s true. Now, women say:
Pastor, it shouldn’t be about that.” “It should be about companionship
and fellowship and sharing.” Girls, if your husband was interested
in companionship, fellowship and sharing, he would got a golden retriever. He is interested in this
and he’s supposed to be.
That’s the way God wired men. But men fail to understand
is the key to this is this. And if a man successfully touches this,
she give him the green light,
and now he can touch this. So, this sex drive, guys,
is God’s way of constantly reminding a man and it keeps coming back
like it never stops. On average, a man will feel the need
for sexual release on about every 72 hours.
That’s every three days. Some more, some less. “My husband’s every 72 minutes!” That’s your problem. But, anyway… But seriously,
the reason that keeps coming back
is to motivate the man “Be nice to the girl!” It’s not so you can just go:
“Hey, you’re awake?” Are you hearig me? A lot of guys do this.
As soon as they feel the buzz,
they just reach for the girl. “Come here, baby!
Come here!” Do not be a moron!
She won’t wanna come here! The reason that buzz hits you again,
“Be nice to the girl!” “Be nice to the girl! Be nice to the girl!” “I gotta be nice to the girl!” And this is what motivates me.
I try to be nice to my wife. And I spend time with her
and I take her to lunch every day… …and I’ll take her shopping… “Well, pastor Mark,
do you like going shopping?” No! I hate it! Then she drops me off on the bench
with all the old guys
and I sleep with them, you know, we just… Then she comes to pick me up,
drops me off at another bench. You say:
“If you don’t like it, then why do you do it?” I’ll tell you why.
Because I want some of this! I’m no idiot! You gotta be nice to the girl!
You gotta be attached to the girl! And really, single women…
I don’t know how many single women
are watching this, but inevitably there’s single women here
and that’s great,
and a lot will be watching this, but, you know, when a woman gives
a man this before marriage she is a nitwit of astronomical proportions. You would never build a house
and pay the contractor in advance. Are you hearing me?
If you wanna build a $250,000-house, which here in Phoenix would get you
a one bedroom with nothing… Man, I had a huge condo
at lake in Wisconsin for $250,000, man,
I’m telling you! You’ve got nothing! But anyway,
you wouldn’t pay the guy in advance:
“Here’s $250,000” Do you know why?
The house would never get done on time. He’ll never do what he promised to do.
‘Cause it’s just the nature of human beings. You pay him as they hit certain marks. Certain things are accomplished,
you finish it… You wait ’till everything’s right
and the you close. Why?
Because that’s how people are wired. If you were just to give it to him,
you would be a nitwit! A moron! That’s what women are doing today.
They’re coughing this upfront. Which is every man’s
basic fundamental interest in a woman. You’ve already given him
everything he wants. And then you sit around and say:
“Aren’t you gonna marry me?” “Aren’t you gonna spend more time with me?
Aren’t you gonna…?” No, he’s not!
“Pastor, why not?” Because you’re an idiot, that’s why!
Don’t do that! Give him that thing?!
Make that boy earn it! Ain’t no ring,
you ain’t get anything!
This is what you need to tell him! No, seriously, girls…
I don’t know what. There’s something
really happened in the female culture. I think it’s because the women’s lib thing:
“Well, now we can go out
and we can be as sexual as men.” But they’re fighting
against their own interests. There are milions of women in America today
that are so frustrated
they can never get this. You know why?
‘Cause they’re dumb! I’m serious. I don’t mean it in a mean way,
but they’re doing a dumb thing. Just coughing this up
to every guy that comes along. It doesn’t work that way. Now, every woman’s basic
interest in a man is this. What a lot of women fail to recognize
is that the key to this is this. And if you touch that,
he gives you the green light
and you can touch this. So, then you said we weren’t supposed
to do that. Outside of marriage. Inside of marriage
you’ve got to work this way. Outside marriage you defeat yourself. Inside of marriage you have to realize
this is a very important deal. It is! It’s huge! A lot of woman treat this like
a side issue. It is not a side issue in marriage.
It is the central issue. It truly is!
And I’m gonna re-explain this
in greater detail tomorrow. You get this right,
things will flow a lot better in your life. You’re trying discard it:
“That shouldn’t be about that!
You shouldn’t be interested in sex!” “You’re just a pig!” You are fighting now against
your own interest doing it that way. You’ve gotta be smart about this, girls! The key to this boy’s heart. You know, they used to say,
when I was growing up that a key
to a man’s heart was his stomach.
But they were about 6 inches too high. And this is important. And I gotta tell you, girls,
if it weren’t for this,
we probably really wouldn’t deal with you! I know that sounds terrible,
but I’m just telling you like it is! You know, you take that out,
I don’t think we’d go through the trouble,
honestly. This is a game,
you gotta let him know,
he can win with you. And we’ll talk about this
more in detail tomorrow.
But the crazy thing about this… The key to what you want,
here’s the door. And for the guys,
for what you want, here’s the door. And it is the perfect stand off! It is the ultimate stand off! People say: “What was God thinking?”
People say it to me all the time:
“What was God…” This is exactly what God was thinking. The key to you getting what you want
is to give your spouse what they want. Now, it’s not easy.
And sometimes you’ll mess up,
sometimes, you know, but you gotta constantly work for this. You can’t all of a sudden
disregard this. Some guys,
they never pay attention to the girl.
They’re never nice to the girl. And wonder how come they
don’t get any sex. “Oh, I don’t get any sex. How come?”
Because you’re an idiot! I mean, for crying out loud!
Be nice to the girl! You’ve gotta touch her heart!
That’s your key! But a lot of guys say:
“I told you I loved you once.” “If anything changes I’ll let you know!” “I wonder how come I don’t get any sex?” Because you’re just blowing it! You’re blowing it.
Girls, the same thing with you. The key to this is this area here.
Don’t dismiss this. If you guys will flow in this thing it works and it’s great.
It’s extremely powerful. It is the most powerful thing
God ever designed to connect two people. We will get into a lot more detail tomorrow.