Getting a new Schizophrenia diagnosis – LUCAS | MISTAG


I feel that hum I feel pointed at and a bit like, you know a it like a bit like people are pointing a at me a bit meanly like children would do, it’s a term that that I tI tolerate and don’t say anything I just do like I just take on me and say nothing it’s a tolerated term that actually hurts quite enough when you have some syndromes, some diagnostics. Yeah it already happened to me to feel like I’m crazy when I realized that well I actually got my diagnostics very very late and I am actually still on the process of getting therapies to have my diagnostics because it’s only around 17 years old that I really had a mental deterioration and I realized that there were things in my brain that I thought were normal when instead there were really not like hallucination and stuff like like derealisation which to me I really thought that everyone had it when actually it is only in my head and when I was talking about it to people, they were looking at me weird, or telling me okay, hum you seem a crazy right now. Well I’d say that t really took me like you know, a hum, I kind of had a transition, like I needed to get used to it to realize that I had hum, not a problem but like you know, actually a small disorder and then I needed to I actually needed to get to go from the idea that I was normal to, well actually no you need to take medications, there is a little thing that doesn’t work in your head, then often you have the sensation that crazy people are really portrayed like super extreme, really hum talking alone in the streets or that are going to scream, explode in a public transport when actually not necessarily the person can maybe not even know they are living their life and to them everything is normal. I think I would tell them that it hurts more than it seems you know, we think that it is in the head, that we don’t see it and that it doesn’t hurt, that it’s not there, but it is even harder actually because you don’t know what is your problem you’re hurted, hurted, hurted but you can’t cure the problem because you don’t see it and it’s super hard to point it out and the worst is that you think it is it is normal so to find what’s going wrong in your reality it is almost impossible you need help, you need medication sometimes and because you cannot see it, people say that it’s not there. I’d say that I am someone who’s very confused, I have a hard time to remember hum, let’s say time, it is going to be really hard to place myself in time, hum, in my days to remember what’s real or not if it was a memory or a dream what really happened so with that all I really have a lot of troubles so i get lost a lot I can’t be organized, I really need a lot of journals meaning like calendars, alarms to really be able to stay in my reality I really need to keep all that I have to do in order in my head, because if not I get lost. The thing that terrifies me the most I think is rape or hum, anything related to it and pedophilia it really terrifies me since I’m very young and I don’t really know why, it’s only that since I know how to talk or around that time I’ve been terrified about it. It’s mostly art hum, I like to paint to draw to do stick and poke it’s kinda like a tattoo with Chinese ink it calms me down, it seems like… well actually before we began the interview, that’s what I was doing it empties my mind and like everything that requires patience and that in the end you can look at it and be proud I have another diagnostic I’m epileptic since actually quite a long time but it took me a while to have a diagnostic because I’m not born with it and during my childhood at school I had some epileptic breaks so it’s like I faint but my body continues to move and once I was in history class and we were reading our books and I fainted into an epileptic break and I began to sing but it wasn’t in french, it wasn’t in english, it was a bit like the english of a 6 years old child who doesn’t know what he says out loud and everyone thought it was my best friend closed to me who was looking at me and was like “stop it !” after that I came back to me and stopped it it was very humiliating My social side grew with time with the years, I am someone who’s very shy and who doesn’t talk to people, I am used to be with my best friend or my sister but like all the time with the same person side by side and I don’t go to meet people and it’s around the end of high school that I had to a bit like take a break from school to feel better and by locking me in well I had a small psychotic episode we think that, hum it is really like I was getting crazy by being always locked in my room, not going out, seeing no one and when I got out of it, I decided that I wanted to get better and by seeing people and having activities that I wasn’t doing before with people around me I realized that I actually liked that humans, and I like to be in contact with them, to receive love and smiles so it really got better since then and I am happy I’d like that to continue getting better. That we are not faking it I think it’s really the thing I hear the most and it frustrates me just to let them understand that it is not in my head, I am not inventing it it is really there and it’s nt because you can’t see it that my brain, you know, that it’s not real for it what is happening there and it’s a malfunction too it’s when you neurones at least in my case there’s something not working okay I have 3 neurones sending too much at a time so it gives me hallucinations and things like that, it’s not that the person is faking it, it’s not that there’s only them who can live it and we don’t ask for help or for you to understand what’s happening, just to be there for us at worst to say it will be all fine. Well me and my best friend we have fun making jokes to each other like “come on you don’t have a mental illness” or like we play each other like that and it makes us laugh but if it was someone else saying it we would get mad for sure, but it’s because the both of us are not feeling good and we know we have mental illnesses and we know each other for a long very long time, so it’s okay and we tease each other like that. Well I think that really the advice that I give the most often but which sucks to hear, it really sucks when someone tells you that but it is to wait you know it sucks but that the only thing that actually works even more with the mind, nothing else helps and medication don’t always work yes sometimes but you know it a lot of work on yourself and to learn to know yourself and to be able to deal with your disorder by yourself and it is such a relief when you know, when you understand yourself and when you can say that a couple of years ago you would not have been able to deal with such a crisis so well, you feel a bit like freed from a weight.

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