everybody yeah my talk to you about
cognitive dissonance and I have a video that I made a long time ago like one of
my very first videos about cognitive dissonance where I talk about the actual
scientists the messenger who did the original experiments on it at Stanford
where basically the the students did you know the students that did some really
boring things and they end up had to basically explain why they were willing
to lie and when it went in one instance do you want to hear about the whole
study go to my go to my other video about cutting of dissonance what I did
about eight months ago okay link here when it comes to our own lives I think
that how do business plays a really really important role in how really our
lives play out and I think it’s very very critical when it comes to
depression I know that in my own life that even when my life looked really
good things looked really perfect on the surface I was really really depressed
and I really didn’t even know why and it was only after the whole thing exploded
and I realized you know I got basically abandoned by all the people closest to
me and I realized that right under the
surface of my perfect life was this this truth that I wasn’t allowing myself to
to know on a conscious level that even though after that happened and even
though my life circumstance has really got a lot worse
any things that a lot worse probably got better
I mean you know got really bad for a while but the depression went away
because there was no cognitive dissonance at least I knew what is what
I was up against what it is is it’s when you are what if you are ever in your
life behaving one way as though as though something is true but on some
level consciously or unconsciously you know it’s not true so for instance and
in my case within a lot of cases with you know people that I work with and
this is a really typical scenario is that you’re not for you to acknowledge
that you are being abused requires a whole series of things to happen which
you may not be ready for it requires you to acknowledge the truths maybe about
you know maybe that you’re not loved which is horrible and that was that was
the biggest one for me I just could not admit but I was not loved because that
was everything to me the desire to be loved to love and be
loved and to be known and have this intimate bond that was everything to me
and realizing that battle exercise had the cognitive dissonance I would have to
go through walk through some really painful truths really painful truths and
quite frankly that that walk were going to stop for many many years it still
really hasn’t stopped I still because I don’t think like a narcissist and I’m a
very optimistic person I still find myself up against having to tell myself
I call it embracing reality embracing morality is my antidote to cognitive
dissonance and I really have to work at it because narcissistically abusive
family where we didn’t talk about anything and where it was it was too
painful to acknowledge my needs and that needs it’s so embracing reality
but it was just way too painful as a child and as a child I needed to believe
that my parents loved me I needed to I need to believe that to be safe and so
there were a whole lot of whole lot of things that I couldn’t let myself know
you know just to survive to get through my childhood I had to I had to live in
cognitive dissonance and so to clear away the cargo business required
embracing reality which was something that I just couldn’t I couldn’t have
done I wouldn’t win safe to do as a child but it is absolutely the key to
sanity as an adult it’s acute if the key to sanity the key to empowerment as an
adult um and what you’ll notice is it’s absolutely what my family doesn’t do my
family is my parents I set my narcissistic parents all of them they
are very diluted very locked in self delusion but you know for for me like
yeah she was like sure sure so extreme it was in my case I I was I had just
accepted such a low I had such a low standard of the way that I would accept
being treated because I was raised that way I was raised to have low standards
all those standards all the way oh my I was what I would accept being treated
and so a no no where in my in my being raised was I taught to think that I
should be expecting you a really great treatment so there was that that was
what I was it begins that I was up against you know basically feeling like
if I express my needs that that was selfish um you know basically having
needs at all was selfish and so you know that was just a lot of programming you
know a lot a lot to overcome to get to where I could embrace reality but it was
even to the point where you know I was being mistreated so badly at home by my
husband that we were in counseling and when the
counselor gave me a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder and
narcissistic personality disorder and basically told me that he was a
sociopath and then there was a second era pused
because after we left this either he didn’t get what he wanted there so he
took me to another therapist and that therapist told me you need to close the
door of this relationship and and never look back I blew all of this off I told
myself oh they just don’t understand they just don’t they just don’t get him
this don’t understand and I remember thinking I remember that day so clearly
I’m thinking to myself I just think that couldn’t be right because I I was not
ready to go there I mean for me to for me to believe what they were saying it
was they were saying he can’t love you he doesn’t know what we’re talking about
it’s not about you at supper and I think that it could not get when they said
it’s not about you it’s not personal I was like what in the hell are you
talking about what could be more personal than this I totally didn’t get
that I totally think that that but what they meant by that I was like this isn’t
what could be more personal you know that it wasn’t personal I totally get
that now it was the whole series of what I would have to accept to go to to
embrace reality and I was it was magical thinking it was magical thinking because
by not embracing it doesn’t change the fact that it is true you know
so ology was disempowering me to not embrace it but and I didn’t I didn’t
embrace it I didn’t I I did not embrace reality about any of the things that the
abusers in my life we’re gonna do until they had done it until they had I didn’t
protect myself ahead of time on anything every single thing that they I know for
a fact that what they were what they would do because they did it
I gave them a chance to do it all so that’s the danger of cognitive
dissonance is that you can tell yourself one thing in the face of all kinds of
evidence to the contrary and if you have a high threshold for pain
and a high threshold for chaos and abuse which most of us do who were raised in
no statistic families then you know you can tell yourself that things are normal
on okay the things I was willing to accept and call them love or call them
you know appliqu this is a normal functional relationship was just really
ridiculous you know it’s just just incredibly bad but you know really
cognitive dissonance basically is lying to ourselves
it’s really as simple as that it’s lying to ourselves even even if even if maybe
all the evidence isn’t right there but and we’re really going to be really
going to be prone to doing it if it was a way that our families function in a
way that we got used to behaving a way we got used to being auntie Kiev as
normal but you know it’s it’s it’s classic denial
it’s definitely classic denial but what it is is when you have two different you
have two different things you know or Treena true they’re holding at the same
time so you have to change something so it’s like okay he loves me okay my
husband loves me here then here he’s abusing me he’s never coming home he’s
being emotionally abusive he’s mistreating me here okay so you have a
choice to make you you have to either change your definition of abuse you have
to go okay we make excuses make excuses for the abuse going on or you have to
deny deny it all together pretend it’s not happening at all or you have to
accept that it is having an inhale change your behavior then you have to go
okay he is abusing me I’m going to change I’m gonna change my
situation and obviously the healthiest thing to do is that but there’s all
kinds of reasons why we don’t do that it’s fears it’s it’s just a laundry list
of reasons and I was not set up well to do that because I also had an abusive
family that was encouraging me to stay with my abusive husband and now I’m not
encouraging me not saying you know you don’t deserve you don’t deserve to be
abused you have our back we can you know we we have your back you know we support
you in whatever you need you take care of yourself and your kids that would
have been great but that’s not what I had you know I had parents that were
saying basically suck it up he’s your husband in me while they’re helping him
abused me you know it was really really bad and you know it’s not up it’s not
about beating yourself up for it it but it is it is really smart to get to know
what it is it’s definitely it’s not a sign of mental health you know it’s
definitely a sign of you know it’s and you feel that you actually you actually
know that because actually feels it has a physical almost a physical
manifestation it may get cut it can make you feel sick make you feel bad and and
when you when you are when you embrace reality and all your and you went the
way that you’re acting in what you and your beliefs line up no matter how
brutal it is it truly does feel better no matter how brutal it is I definitely
I can definitely vouch for that but even if accepting reality a brutal reality
feels better than pretending having it having it is a brutal reality regardless
but pretending like it’s not even if this is not a conscious thing that
you’re doing but that just feels bad and if you sow depression this is the thing
I want to say about this depression is talking to you depression is trying to
tell you something so depression
xiety they’re trying to tell you something so listen to those emotions
because those are usually the sign in my experience those are the first those are
really good signs that you’ve got cognitive dissonance going on and to
look for that in your life and really the antidote is to embrace reality is to
just basically look at your beliefs and examine your beliefs you know examine
your beliefs and ask yourself if you if if you know your book you know how do I
know that’s true and look at the evidence in your life you know does you
love me yeah okay he allows me the evidence the reason I know that he loves
me is because because he treats me well because he is available when I need him
because he is responsible and because he does what he says he’s gonna do and
because he is caring and he’s a good friend to me and a good companion and
he’s a good term he’s a kid he takes good care of our kids and you know okay
those are those are all good things if you need to have those things if you’re
if you’re searching and searching and searching for well he he loves me he
loves me how do I know you I don’t know I just know you know know you love is it
an action love is an action word and you will have you will see it in all kinds
of evidence if he loves you you’ll know it because he’ll it’ll be obvious in his
action and so his or her actions okay everybody so cognitive dissonance is a
really good indicator of something going on it it’s a magical thinking its denial
its self delusion it’s a lot of things that are not that are not mental health
there are things that are definitely danger zones that you’ve got something
that you’re hiding from yourself some truth some important truth that you need
to know you need to act on most likely and to not do it doesn’t mean it’s not
true doesn’t mean it’s going away it just means you’re not empowered to deal
with your life so this is this and this is the hard thing that you know to get
reprehend just because you don’t acknowledge it just because you don’t
acknowledge something doesn’t mean it’s not so you know and this is
you were raised in an alcohol with parents were alcoholics or addicts or
narcissus this is going to be a big one for you to get over because in those
homes it’s definitely like they don’t see you don’t hear don’t top policy
where it just does it isn’t so if you don’t if we’re not talking about it it
isn’t so but that’s a lie because it is so and not talking about it doesn’t
change the fact that it’s so it just makes it so that you are ineffective in
dealing with your life so take a look at cognitive dissonance and see where it
shows up your life and try and clear it out because I promise you that as real
as it is if you can clear out cognitive distance in your life it will be
empowering to you especially if you are set if you have anxiety or depression
look for cognitive dissonance in your life look for it to show up in your life
because there is a definite link between those things and a good place to start
in your in your healing your depression or anxiety is to clear out the cognitive
dissonance in your life all right you guys thanks a lot for stopping by please
um share my videos with your friends and give me a thumbs up and write some
comments below okay if you haven’t already please subscribe I’ll talk to
you soon bye bye empowering those whom yearn for more love intimacy and passion
in the relationships and lives find the my ransom notes podcast online at
evening ransom calm join us next time on the my ransom notes
Noah podcast the podcast for newly opening and Awakening hearts you

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