πŸ™ƒ Show: Depression with Veena


y’all ready y’all ready y’all ready
y’all ready welcome to the upside down smilie show where we talk about real
life if we don’t take life too seriously and we hear the stories of everyday
people my name is Shereene and I have Veena here
and today we’re going to talk about depression cue the intro So Veena
actually reached out to me and expressed wanting to talk about depression
I’m glad we’re talking about this I’ve done a couple other episodes on
mental health the important part about our discussion today is having the
conversation and being more open and just normalizing these kinds of
conversations she came here from Minnesota she was in town and came
straight from the airport that’s what’s beautiful too you came here you’ve
been watching my content and you felt compelled to share a little bit about
yourself and now you’re gonna share it with more people and I think that should
be more normal and so would you want to share a little bit about your your story
I’ll give you a little background about me so I was born
and raised in Minnesota I love Minnesota by the way I grew up
where there’s like a lot of non-indian people like we have a
community but it’s very small so like I went to school where I
was the only Indian girl in my grade and I think there was
four Indians total including my sisters that’s two of them in our school did you
notice it when you were that age I struggled with it
when I was little I think I struggled a little bit with that idea
that I was different and not wanting to be different not wanting
to be different and I was kind of embarrassed that like my parents
were different and I couldn’t do things like the other kids and stuff and
and you noticed those differences I think at that age you notice
how different you are and you want to be like the white beautiful right
and so I struggled with that but I was pretty academically
well as a young kid and in elementary school I was one of those kids
who was in all those that kind of advanced things I think in middle
school I think it was just way too much for me I remember my dad
new I was struggling and he was like I think you should get out of classes but I
was so like scared to get out of it because I was scared of what people
would think and I already have friends in honors so I didn’t want
them to think that I couldn’t do it I definitely was in the same kind of
situation when I was in high school my friends I had a lot of Indian
friends and they were in advanced classes I need to do that too and I
was just failing I kind of had a huge social life and so I think I
compensated my insecurities of academics and just pushed a huge social life I’m doing really well
in that part of my life to make up for it
as a seventh grader no but I feel you I think we are very similar in that sense I think that subconscious looking it was and so like I think I didn’t want to
face my problems of academics so which kind of caused me to fake
sick a lot, skip school and stuff like that and my parents were like
having a huge struggle bus with me and then I think it carried on to
high school as well there’s like Indian Malayalee kids that you see at other things
they’re taking all these classes and some of them
are more condescending about it not everybody is but then I would feel
ashamed around uncertain people Do you feel like there were waves of depression
during that time yeah for sure I just didn’t want to deal with it and I
kept running away from it and trying to find other ways to
compensate I had that that same kind of experience I had low moments when I
was by myself but then I was like oh I’m gonna go
friends I’m happy there you’re so young so you don’t really recognize it
and if nobody else notices it then it doesn’t really get there’s no awareness
I think my parents knew there was something off with me but
you’re a teenager you don’t know how to talk to your parents
and you’re a teenager and you’re hormonal and moody and you have this idea that your parents are against you and
even though your parents like love you right they do I had a weed phase in my junior year that’s when my
parents were like okay and then they sent me to a boarding school for my senior year I’m technically not supposed to tell brown
people but we are putting everything out there and I just don’t care anymore my parents used to not want
me tell people that I got arrested when I was 17 We should have been friends when we were young we would have gotten into so much trouble and you’re also 8 years younger than me we can still be friends ok yeah we can be friends now I think for me
I struggled with my relations with my parents and then once I became really cool with my parents I think I almost felt like I needed to owe it to
them we have very similar stories I felt so
guilty like you had to make up for it so I thought you know what’s the
right Indian thing to do do something in the medical field, go marry a boy and
then you are the golden child then you’re perfect
and then it’s like everything that you did when you were teenager, it’s done give your parents grand babies and then you’re good to go I was in my last year and that’s when I didn’t pass
two classes and was out of the program and then that’s when my
depression completely exploded I think I was depressed throughout the
program you just keep ignoring it because you’re like I have
to study there were multiple times where I was like I think I need to go see
someone or do something but then I would just ignore it and I would just be
like I have to study I don’t have time to counsel and I don’t have time for
this and then after the semesters over and you passed you’re
just like oh I’m fine but then like the next semester you’re struggle bus
again you’re looking to use these moments of validation
make yourself feel better but really you need to feel better it has
nothing to do with like your outside when I didn’t pass those classes it
was my fourth semester like that’s when I completely exploded I remember I walked in there and was like I completely lost myself I don’t know who I am anymore you almost don’t recognize yourself I’ve had moments in the past year
and a half even when I’ve been doing these episodes where I look super
positive I look super confident where I just like felt really low
questioning who I was questioning the decisions I’ve made questioning
everything like am I good enough for this like am i worthy of doing any of
these things and it’s all in your mind and you really have to practice that
work the work that you learned from your therapist there’s
definitely moments where I’m there and I have to accept it when you don’t know
how to accept it when you don’t know how to process it you just think like this
is my reality I am just sad I am depressed and then you just
think that’s how it’s gonna be like for the rest of her life and I think
that’s why it came to point I remember as I was kind of
failing out or whatever before it actually happened as I was
studying and stuff I was so miserable and I thought
what’s the point of I don’t
even want to be here anymore you start having these
suicidal thoughts not that I ever attempted it or had a plan
but you just start to think about I mean remember thinking about people
who have killed themselves and I’m like yo I get it this psychiatrist
talked about it like he studied people who have committed suicide and
he noticed that their brain like in the prefrontal cortex of their
brain which is like a part of the brain that helps with empathy is
deteriorated and it helps with empathy emotions , judgments, forethought
that part of your brain is important for that and physically
when you looked at their brain it was messed up that’s why I feel
like depression is more than just it is our thoughts and stuff but there’s
a reason why our thoughts there’s something happening in your brain the reason why your
thoughts are happening that way is because there’s something like actually wrong
with your brain and different than a non depressed person I feel like
scientists still don’t like have a for sure grasp on what is exactly happening
and we’re not either we’re more want you guys to think about
it and talk about it and know that you don’t need to struggle by yourself
is the most important part have you felt like you’ve been able to
open up I think in person didn’t really want to talk about
it but I did people would ask the how’s school going I just failed out of nursing school that’s my life so I force myself to be honest about it I remember I didn’t
want to go to like any Indian events or I didn’t want to see any brown people
I did talk to people about it and like you could sense judgment or
from some people or just awkwardness or this uncle was
lecturing me and he was like you’re taking so long in school what are
you doing and this is that and but it’s you just have to learn to move on I
think that was a huge contributor to my depression too
is caring about what people think my parents were like you don’t need to tell people
you failed out you don’t need to tell people about your depression
especially I feel like my parents are really weird
when it comes to Brown people you can tell white people about your problems the reality is brown people are typically judging you more we were talking about earlier it’s like the
whole you’re not gonna get married if you talk about your problems but the
reality is everyone’s going through it I’ve been going to therapy weekly
I think for me I realize a lot I don’t have to
control my mind and I think I care too much
about what people think and I’m so worried about just things that I
don’t need to be worried about when you think about these thoughts that you have
to pause for a minute and be like is this really helping me? is this valuable? if this even true? does it actually matter? like your mind is like on
automatic mode I was listening to this doctor and he was saying these automatic
negative thoughts that’s how your brain has been running for all
these years so when you’re trying to stop it you’re retraining your mind and
it’s like turning a ship you know
how long it takes for a frickin ship to turn and it’ll
only turn if you keep making the effort to so maybe that conscious
effort right and that doesn’t always mean being always positive doesn’t
mean always being happy it’s just you know you have to be aware is the
biggest thing being aware and not just being on autopilot is super
important and just accepting there’s gonna be moments and you need to
talk to people I’ve had moments where I just don’t want to share because I don’t
want to be a downer, I don’t want to be a burden but you need to do because you
really need people in your life in general but especially when you’re in
those places because and you know that you know when you’re sad and you know
when you’re in those really low moments and feeling depressed that you
need people around you but you push people away there’ nutrition stuff
that can help and working out my therapist says it’s the
number one cure it’s better than antidepressants they say it’s gonna take
practice and realizing that even though I feel like I’ve come a
long way I still see myself dip back into it and that’s okay that’s gonna
happen you have to accept that but I have
noticed that at least it’s like shorter each time
I have as well yeah and you’ll realize eventually I
think before I felt like this is my life this is how I’m going to be forever I
am a depressed person but then you realize it
doesn’t have to be if you do something about it and recognizing that
you’re not alone there’s two Brown
girls right here telling you that we’ve gone through it and you don’t need to
feel ashamed and just talk about it and get the help that you need you need to
take care of yourself nobody else is gonna do it for you you need to make
yourself a priority and know that you are so worthy of so many beautiful
things you know the changes that you’ve made in your life I’m sure have
like brought goodness to you I’m such a much confident person and
much more stronger person being in practice i watch my videos i watch
myself when I feel like crap I watch you too randomly on YouTube and you gotta just find those things you gotta find those
things that make you happy and make you feel better and don’t focus on the
things that are not bringing that to you and if you don’t know how to do
that then it’s okay to reach out that’s why I reach out for help
because I knew I shouldn’t be negative but I didn’t know how to
get out of my negativity and I finally came to a point where I was like I
I don’t know how to do this Ask for help its life
thank you so much thank you so much for sharing thank you for being open
that’s what I want I want people here in my apartment just talking about life you can cry, you can sit with me I have toilet paper because I don’t have Kleenex its ok it works thank you so much for
watching thank you for supporting this thank you for realizing that it’s so
important for us to just have conversations and that everyday
people matter your story matters my story matters thank you

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